Competence Redefined: The Reality of Being a Competent “Lawyer-Mom”

On June 10, 2022, my life changed overnight. Within 24 hours, it felt like everything turned upside down. Ironically, it wasn’t just my life that had shifted—my inside had suddenly become my outside. I gave birth to my first child.

The minutes, hours, days and weeks that followed my son’s birth blurred together in a haze of emotion and adjustment. Within three months following this metamorphic event, I was back at work full-time as a litigator. I faced the same professional expectations as before, but now I had an entirely different set of personal responsibilities to juggle. In fact, it felt like I was clocking into a second job while still clocked into the first one.
Yet, I was not only expected to, but required to, adhere to the rules of professional conduct and provide competent representation to my clients. But how could I do this when my mind felt foggy, my emotions were all over the place, and my body was exhausted?

California Rules of Professional Conduct Rule 1.1 provides that “a lawyer shall not intentionally, recklessly, with gross negligence, or repeatedly fail to perform legal services with competence.” For the purposes of this rule “competence” means to apply, in addition to the learning and skill, the “mental, emotional, and physical ability reasonably necessary for the performance of such service.”

While Rule 1.1 and related state bar case law sets forth clear standards for legal competence, it subtly leaves an important question unanswered: what does it mean to have the mental, emotional, and physical ability in your personal life that is reasonably necessary to be a competent lawyer? The absence of a detailed explanation may suggest that the answer should be inherently obvious. But is it?

In those first few months back at work, I remember feeling like I was failing at everything. At work, I felt distracted, thinking about the time I was missing with my son. At home, I struggled with wondering if I was giving my work the attention it deserved. The pressure to keep up with my contemporaries while being the perfect “Instagramable” mom was overwhelming. I felt like I floated through the days, disconnected from both my professional goals and responsibilities and my personal joys. I felt as though no one truly understood what I was going through and surmised that other “lawyer moms” were doing it all effortlessly. I felt alone.

When people asked how I was doing, I naturally overshared. I candidly would say, “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” To my surprise, I quickly learned many “lawyer moms” felt the same way. However, perhaps pressure and guilt forced us to hide behind a façade of having it all together. Yet, there’s a unique power in admitting your challenges and being met with empathetic solidarity. When I shared my challenges, I realized I was far from alone.

The social expectations to “have it all together” can leave you feeling like you’re wearing a mask, but when you reveal the cracks in that façade, something powerful happens. You begin to find others who are in the same boat, navigating the same difficult terrain of balancing career and family, and you begin to realize that your feelings – though deeply personal – are not unique.
In a profession where competence and confidence are paramount, it might seem counterintuitive to embrace vulnerability. Lawyers are trained to project strength and control. Admitting to your struggles and being overwhelmed doesn’t diminish your capabilities. On the contrary, it highlights your humanity.

Perhaps Rule 1.1(c) of the California Rules of Professional Conduct also applies to the great balance of parenting and lawyering. It provides that a lawyer who does not have the sufficient learning and skill when the legal services are undertaken may nonetheless provide competent representation by “associating” with another lawyer who is reasonably competent. Through association with others, we not only gain support, but also learn valuable strategies to navigate challenges.

Sharing our struggles can create a sense of community, which can provide the support and strength needed to navigate multiple roles with competence. What’s the secret to being a competent attorney-mom? Your community.

The old saying should include “it also takes a village to raise a working mom.” A competent attorney-mom is not an isolated individual; she’s supported by a network. This network doesn’t look the same for everyone. It could consist of your significant other, your friends, your siblings, your colleagues, other moms, or even your therapist. Support doesn’t diminish your competence – it enhances it.

Being a working mom doesn’t have to take away from your competence as an attorney. Indeed, motherhood has sharpened my skills as a litigator. I am more able to manage multiple high-stakes situations simultaneously than ever before. The balance is never perfect, but with the right support system, it is sustainable.

Parenthood is a multifaceted role, and the challenges go beyond finding a network. Guilt, for example, can be an ever-present shadow. One particularly poignant moment occurred during my own postpartum journey. I was explaining to my therapist that I feared that my son might one day resent me for leaving him with someone else to go to work. My therapist, a working mom herself, offered a perspective that transformed my thinking: “Or, he may be proud that his mom is not just an amazing mother, but also a bada** attorney. Maybe, one day, he’ll look for that same strength in a partner.”

Through juggling the demands of both parenthood and a legal career, you deepen your understanding of the art of prioritization. Every day is an exercise in decision-making and evaluating how to allocate your limited time. What becomes clear is that you can’t do it all. But by navigating these challenges with intention, you also have the opportunity to grow as an attorney. For example, you can refine your communication skills, learning from the practice of guiding a child who is discovering how to express themselves, and in turn becoming more adept at articulating your own needs and boundaries – not only with clients but also with opposing counsel and colleagues. Being a competent attorney and parent goes beyond simply checking boxes or meeting deadlines. It requires cultivating the emotional intelligence to balance your roles, the courage to seek help when you need it, and the wisdom to understand that true competence isn’t about achieving perfection. Embrace the journey and know that you are enough – both at work and at home.